What true submission, service, and self-awareness look like in a female-led relationship.
You say you don’t really know what you want, that you have no limits, but you have a craving for something different, a delicacy that creates new flavors on your palate of desire.
You say you’re missing out on an experience, but the thing you lack most is direction and a solid sense of self.
Your craving for “submission,” when centered around you, is not submitting to anything but your own desires. It’s empty and hollow, and inevitably, so will the experiences you seek out.
“Serving,” as you say, is not devotion when there is no one to devote yourself to. It is an impulsive act, a lack of discipline masked as a desire to submit. It is there when it is convenient for you and gone when you need to be consistent.
You speak about desire, how you want to give and receive pleasure, and giving yourself over “just for a chance to sniff your farts, Goddess.”
But your lack of action only proves my point further.
Your idea of “submission” is selfish, emotionally reactive, and steeped in objectification. Those who speak without action are virtually useless.
Wanting to submit is not the same thing as being capable of submission.
Being able to maintain a dynamic that doesn’t depend entirely on your level of desire on a whim is far more useful and far more desirable than talking a big game about what you might do when the desire hits. The uncertainty behind the offer is palpable and obvious to anyone experienced in this lifestyle.
If you’ve been curious about being in an FLR but don’t want to gloss over the realities that someone, at the end of the day, still has to take out the trash, I would ask these questions and give the following advice:
- How does your potential partner function outside of their desires?
- How do they react when something is beyond their control?
- How do they act when they are not the center of attention but are instead asked to consider others before themselves?
- What reaction do they have when they’re not validated?
- What level of competence do they demonstrate when asked to do something that isn’t gratifying to them?
- Would you trust this person in an emergency situation?
- What happens to their other responsibilities when the novelty is gone?
- Be wary of those who look for purpose only within a dynamic.
In my lifetime, I’ve learned that self-awareness, communication skills, and empathy are the most important factors in maintaining a dynamic and some of the most difficult qualities for most people to attain.
Being self-aware means being able to communicate more effectively with your partner. Being able to put yourself in someone else’s situation means your decisions don’t hinge entirely on your own desires.
These skills come from asking yourself seriously uncomfortable questions and facing the truth of your actions, or your lack of action, with accountability.
Empathy and respect require you to leave your ego at the door and step outside of your own perspective to consider the experience of another person. They require you to notice the subtle things: how you justify yourself, when you rush through something, why you might seek validation or guidance, and how you react when you lose control.
No one is asking you to evaluate your soul with a looking glass. You are simply being asked to pay attention to the smaller signals.
If you’re seeking a dynamic simply to fulfill a desire you can’t name or haven’t really thought about, you’re missing out on the deeper connections to yourself and your partner that can open up an entirely new perspective and an entirely new world.
Having a Domme doesn’t change your life by allowing you to stop being present or stop making decisions. It is the opportunity to have someone see you, really see you, and reflect back the things you are.
Playtime is such a small factor in the rich experience of a D/s dynamic. You cheat yourself out of that experience if you wait for someone else to drag the hidden parts of yourself you refuse to acknowledge into the light of day.
Submission is not an escape from yourself.
At its best, it is an invitation to know yourself more honestly.
And if you’re willing to do that work, the person you submit to may be able to help you discover parts of yourself you never knew were there.
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