It was a rainy evening, as much of the evenings are in the Pacific Northwest. I had spent the better part of the afternoon going shopping for slutty clothes with My crossdressing companion. I found Myself in a confusing position with little communication outside of the plan to shop and eventually “play”. We hadn’t discussed where or what would be happening during our play session. I was so new to topping without supervision and extremely nervous, as well as blinded by My infatuation and need for acceptance in My role that I had forgotten to iron out these details beforehand. We ended up going back to their apartment while their roommates were out.
Although we had discussed limits and boundaries prior to our date, I was so used to being in a position of service (in a one-sided D/s relationship) that I didn’t even think to talk about My needs or wants. No one had taken the time to teach Me that I, a Dominant woman, was allowed and encouraged to have My pleasure; this included aftercare. Make no mistake, My companion was not a selfish person, but we were both clunky and discovering ourselves at this time so things didn’t go as smoothly as they would have had either of us been more experienced.
We had fun, as far as play went. However, because of our lack of planning, we had a hard time limit of ‘before their roommates came back’. It put the mood off since we were brought in and out of headspace whenever they needed to check on the time; something a little more talk and planning outside of horny brain could have prevented.
As soon as we had wrapped up, I immediately walked out of their home and to My car. I got a goodbye hug as anything more was reserved for their romantic partners. There was a small knot of sadness gathering in My stomach, as I felt the growing notion of things come to their conclusion too quickly. I thought I brushed it off as I got in My car and drove away. It wasn’t until I was partially over the bridge dividing the city in half that the force of My anxiety hit Me. I experienced a surge of adrenaline that spiked and dropped off just as quickly; sweat formed on the surface of My entire body; My heart and thoughts raced like the oncoming traffic. I pictured the only person I knew at the time who might have known what I was going through- My former Dom.
Without announcement, I showed up at His house and asked if He would accompany Me to dinner. It was already the middle of the night and not many places were open, but He obliged My impromptu offer. Immediately He could tell something was awry. After all, we had been friends for over 15 years (and that was even before He spent an entire year learning the intricacies of My mind and body). As soon as I started to express My emotional and physical situation, He immediately wrapped Me in a comforting hug. I explained how it felt as if I were being tossed aside for others as had happened in previous relationships. I’d felt it even in My time with Him when I was practicing non-monogamy in a heterosexual presenting relationship for the first time. For as long as I needed He wrapped Me in a comforting hug and I let My tears flow. We ate tacos under the cover of darkness, in the autumn leaf-laden park, BSing about life until I felt safe and comfortable enough to go home.
Reflecting, I experienced a strange mix of emotions: accomplishment, excitement, utter despair, and hopelessness.
The following day I logged into FetLife to see if anyone else in the community had answers. I needed to know if it was just Me being irrational (a symptom of constant gaslighting that femme people deal with). This is where I discovered Top Drop and how it can happen after kinky scenes much like sub drop. I felt a sense of relief knowing what I experienced was normal and immediately started plotting how to take care of Myself should this ever happen again.
There was calling a friend who could comfort Me, as I had unconsciously done already. Additionally, My aftercare practices now include a non-negotiable check-in after scene from everyone involved. I also like having a solitary space where I can focus, meditate, and relax. Usually in a bubble bath with fresh herb salts, where I can drink My tea (or wine or sake), enjoy My history podcasts, and follow it all up with CBD lotion & a soft, warm towel fresh out of the dryer. I also enjoy going on a walk around local nature trails to center Myself, weather permitting.
Although I don’t experience Top Drop as intensely as I once did thanks to figuring out a solid routine, it does still happen occasionally. Having a good support system & practice in place has helped tremendously, but most importantly I’m now able to have conversations with play partners about My aftercare needs, not just theirs, with ease and confidence. This also helps Me vet out anyone who does not have My best interests in mind or My needs at all.
It takes practice, but I am confident in your journey to communicate your needs no matter what side of the slash you fall on. Happy and safe perving, everyone!