How To Approach A Domme

7 Ways To Impress your Dream Domme & Stand Out From The Crowd


So you’ve searched and scoured the wastelands of the internet and finally found the perfect Domme. Your kinks seem to align and you find Them extremely attractive. Now what? This is a predicament a lot of people who identify as submissive or a bottom find themselves in.

“There are not enough Dommes to go around!” you might have heard many times. Well, it’s partially true. Dominants who identify as women or femme are in high demand and the skilled ones are few and far between. Maybe this makes you feel less confident. Dommes often receive hundreds of messages every day begging for attention but don’t fret, there’s hope yet! Here are a few ways you can make yourself stand out amongst the hundreds of other hopefuls on their quest to impress their dream Domme.

1. Emotional Labor and Entitlement

Before anything else, it’s important to understand what emotional labor is and how it affects women or AFAB people in society. This is a great task to do to prove to the potential Domme that you value Their time and energy and don’t view Them as a personal fetish dispenser. Dommes are regular people and They have feelings, wants, and needs. If you’re not willing to negotiate or consider Their desires, you’re most likely not going to be getting any sort of reply back. You are not entitled to anyone’s time or attention. Act accordingly. 

For more information about emotional labor, check out this blog I wrote!

2. Get To Know Them 

Read Their bio on Their social media or website. This is going to give you a good idea of who They are including the best honorifics to use like Goddess, Mistress, My Lord, etc… (Remember: It’s bad etiquette to assume an honorific, so always ask after introducing yourself if you need clarification). There’s typically a Q&A and Blog section that can answer some common questions so you can get to know Them a bit more intimately or have common questions answered before contacting Them.  Unless They specify no contact, there’s usually a form on Their website or a fan page like OnlyFans or LoyalFans you can DM or email through. If you’re not willing to put in a little leg work or become a patron to show this potential Domme that you’re serious, you’re going to end up rotting in the graveyard of “wyd” and “hey” that is Their DMs. Doing your research also protects you from being scammed by catfish Dommes.

3. What Do you Bring To The Table? 

I advise you to contemplate what you have to offer. Why do you wish to serve in the first place? What skills or forms of compensation do you have to offer the potential Domme for their skills and time? Do you think that They should just cater to your fantasies without any sort of gratification of Their own? That’s not how service and servitude work, silly! Sit down and write out a list of things you can do. Do you have the ability to help with Their business? Can you offer domestic errands, repairs, or help with bills? Do you have a BDSM skillset that They’ve been wanting to experiment with and learn more about? There are a lot of ways to be of service to a potential Domme, and laying out how you’re able to help is always a good step in tandem with asking what They would like if They hadn’t made it clear already. 

4. Work On yourself And your Communication

It’s also okay not to know what you want just yet or how you can support Them, but working on figuring it out will go a long way. Now would be a great time to take classes online from professionals or read up on D/s and BDSM. Remember the discussion about emotional labor? It’s not up to others to read your mind and figure out what your wants and needs are. This will also help you advocate for those things when you do discover them, as is your duty as a safe BDSM player. It takes two to tango, as is said, so make sure you practice your dance moves. 

5. Bio Tips To Stand Out 

Work on your biography. Think of this as your cover letter when applying for a new job, except your job is to attract the attention of a hot Domme. You can either display your bio on social media sites like FetLife or simply have a copy for when you email someone. You’re competing against a lot of others and you’re trying to stand out. It helps to include your hobbies & interests, both kink and vanilla, your experience with kink, what your desires and expectations are including your limits and boundaries, your morals and values if looking for a long-term dynamic, and anything else that you may find important to you. Show you’re a person and not just looking to get off. Nothing is more cringe than someone who puts in zero effort and has no personality to speak of. Ask yourself if a stranger wrote to you, what would you want to know about them to know who they are as a human? Finally, don’t write a novel about your sexual fantasies. Keep things short and concise. Thank them for their time and the potential opportunity to talk.

As a side note: keep the dick pics to yourself and off your profiles unless explicitly asked for Them. Trust me, if We want to see it, you’ll know. 

6. Thank You

Let’s say you’ve done all this prep work and you are lucky enough to get a message back. What now? The best thing to do is follow any directions given and show that you’re serious. A lot of the time Dommes get thoughtful emails, and everything is going well, but then when it’s time to follow up, nothing. This is a great way to get ignored in the future. Make sure this is what you want before contacting anyone and always follow through. Be reliable. Most importantly, say “Thank You”. Show your respect for the valuable time They took to reach out and respond. Always follow the Golden Rule: Treat Them as you’d want to be treated.

(A side note on ghosting: Although it never feels good to be ghosted, if someone is displaying red flags or dangerous behavior such as asking for banking info, incriminating photos, etc. before negotiating and asking boundaries, you owe them absolutely nothing and blocking them is probably the safest course of action. Those abusive behaviors differ from screening from Professional Dommes who may ask for a legal name, email, and references for their own safety.)

7. Grow And Learn

Continue to learn and grow in your role. It’s a never-ending journey. Education, practice, and working on communication go a long way in search of your perfect Domme. Even after you’ve found Them, continue to learn so you may be useful for years to come.

Good luck in your search and stay respectful! 

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