5 tips for attending your first kinky meetup
So you expressed your interest in wanting to connect with people in your local kink scene and get to know those with similar interests. Someone suggests “Go to a munch.” or “Go on FetLife and find events!”. The idea of that seems pretty intimidating, especially since socializing has been more difficult after a long quarantine, and you’ve forgotten how to people and your social anxiety and you don’t know what to wear and what if you’re awkward and- CHILL! It’s going to be alright. The Demoness will help you prepare for your first kinky social outing.
Wait, what is a munch though?
Simply put, a munch is a social event for people into BDSM, fetishism, and other forms of alternative sexuality and lifestyles. Munches offer a chance for like-minded individuals to meet, socialize, and share their experiences. They’re usually held at bars, restaurants, parks, or other public settings—meaning vanilla. Street attire or everyday dress is typically expected, as this isn’t the same thing as a play party. Please DO wear things that make you feel confident, but avoid revealing, provocative clothing or fetish wear. How awkward would it be to show up to a café midday in a full latex gimp suit? It’s always a good idea to do your research first, though. Look up the date, time, location, dress code, and if the group host has any rules that are expected to be followed.
Etiquette
1. Respect other people’s boundaries!
This is a big one. Don’t touch anyone without consent. You’ll get a bad reputation right off the bat if you aren’t able to respect people’s bodily autonomy. No means no, and anything but a clear “yes” is also a no.
2. Respect people’s privacy
Don’t pry or ask personal questions if you feel someone is uncomfortable or doesn’t answer your questions enthusiastically. The people you meet at kink events all have different levels of comfort when it comes to discussing their kinks or sharing personal information. For this reason, you’ll encounter people who go by “scene names”. Scene names are monikers they have chosen or were given, which lends to their anonymity. For example, someone might be legally named Mark, but because of their job or other social obligations, they need to protect their identity, so might go by something like “Rubber Ray” or “Slut muffin”. When you go, expect to introduce yourself as your scene name or whatever you wish to be called in the community. There are no rules as to what name you can pick when coming up with a scene name. Go crazy or decide on something personal to you. If you’re okay with people knowing you’re “out” about your lifestyle, you can also introduce yourself as your legal name. Whatever your comfort level is, also respect other people’s comfort. Pro tip: be prepared to trade FetLife info with new friends! This goes into…
3. Don’t pressure anyone
While attending a munch, you’ll inevitably meet people who are interested in exploring their sexuality or trying new things. As eager as you may be, it’s important not to pressure anyone into doing something they are not comfortable with. This isn’t the time or place to look for a hookup or brief, casual sexual partners, especially not your first time going. Unlike the lifestyle/swingers scene where random sexual encounters are normal, people in the kink community are a lot more cautious because of the inherent risks of their activities. They typically need to see you around a few times before trusting you. You may even encounter people who may not want to talk right away. Just keep showing up and making yourself known as a safe person to be around by practicing respect of people’s boundaries and attending classes. Always ask for consent and respect people’s boundaries. I know I say that often about consent, but it’s paramount to differentiate BDSM from abuse. Be safe!
4. Be open-minded
This is the place to make friends and bond over activities outside of kink as well! All good, lasting relationships have interests outside of sex and sexual practices. (You may be surprised to find out a lot of kinky people identify as being on the asexual spectrum!) Wear your D&D or WoW shirt, bring a book you’ve been reading, or just show up and talk about fixing cars. Whatever your hobbies and interests are, there are going to be people interested in the same. Who knows, maybe your kinks align as well. If not, remember that everyone attending a kink munch is there to explore and express their sexuality. Be open-minded and respectful of people’s kinks and fetishes, even if they are not something you are interested in. Don’t kink shame! It’s always good to have friends on both sides of the slash to learn from or just talk about relationships with those who will understand what you’re going through. This is especially important since the kink community is so insular from vanilla public relationships.
5. Use appropriate language
It’s critical to use appropriate language and avoid using derogatory or offensive terms. Using inclusive language isn’t about impeding on your freedom of speech, being “woke”, or PC culture. It’s about recognizing people and communicating with everyone in a way that is respectful. It shows you value and wish to include people of all backgrounds, lending autonomy and empowerment to their existence. Language is never set in stone. Think about how people used slang in the 1920s compared to now. Language is dynamic, fluid, and constantly evolving. It’s also good to know and recognize that the kink community was built by queer people and to this day is heavily influenced and maintained by queer folks and BIPOC (Black, Indigenous, and People Of Color). Treat everyone with respect and use language that is inclusive, and you’re golden! Not sure where to begin learning? In-person DEI classes are a good place to start, as well as searching for DEI classes online.
Good luck in your exploration of the broader community and making new connections! Remember, these events are held with the aim of creating a safe and welcoming space for people to express their sexuality and interests that are deemed unconventional in most other spaces in society. Follow these guidelines, and you’re guaranteed to have a good time!
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